I didn’t want to die on Corona and fish fingers

I currently live alone and whilst harmlessly cooking myself fish and chips in the kitchen on Monday evening I became trapped. The inner kitchen door suddenly wouldn’t open.

In normal circumstances there would be no need to panic but a quick realisation took over. I had no door or window keys on my possession or in the room.

I had no mobile phone on me because I was only wearing shorts and t-shirt and I was also barefoot.

I had no access to a landline because my landlord had just moved out and BT disconnected the line.

So I was home alone, in a room with no visible means of escape. I didn’t panic as I’m sure I’d just be able to push the door open. Little did I know.

A-team style I quickly took stock of what tools I had to my disposal. I found a broom, a mop and a powerful torch.

I checked the fridge. No food but there was a dozen Corona and a bit of milk. There was some frozen veg and fishfingers in the freezer. Still no panic. I’ve got enough to get through the night and into the next day if need be.

I pushed the door and managed to get a gap at the top but for some reason the bottom just wouldn’t budge, no matter how much strength I applied.

I opened the kitchen blinds hoping to get the attention of the neighbours and thought I’d try a bit of SOS. I shone the torch directly onto their back bedroom windows and bathrooms which were occupied. Not one looked outside.

I banged on the neighboors wall next door but I knew that was false hope as they were away. Panic became creeping in, so I went to smash a pane of glass on the door.

I used the back of the broom at full force and there wasn’t even a budge. 3 more attempts and I knew I could soon be sleeping on a cold kitchen floor until the next house visitor.

Panic really set in then. Who shall that visitor be? Do I have to wait 12 hours for the postman to arrive and just hope that he hears me shout ‘help’ when he delivers the mail?

Or do I have to wait 3 weeks when the window cleaner comes around? Do they even window clean during November? I wasn’t in the mood to wait another hour.

I just knew I had to get through it, even if it meant cutting myself to bits.

Back in A-team mode I found a strong spare cupboard door and used this to wedge in the little gap that I created at the top. The top of the door had a gap but not enough for my frame.

So I went back to SOS mode and wrote on a piece of paper ‘SOS – Trapped’ and at one point was going to write the same using washing up liquid on the window. It was pitch black and nobody would have seen it.

I banged on the UPVC window and put the radio on full but still nobody looked out of their windows.

It was then fight-or-flight kicked in and I went for the door at full strength. I knew the only option was to push it from the top until it finally cracked.

Soon I could hear panes of glass cracking and shards sprayed everywhere. Now I had hope. It was then that I could see what the problem was.

The wall had recently been plastered and the skirting board hadn’t been secured properly. As the kitchen door shut, the vibration made the skirting board to fall and this lodged the kitchen door firmly shut.

I grabbed through a whole in the door to move the piece of wood but this itself was firmly lodged.

90 minutes later I could see the light but there was still not enough for me to get to the other side of that door.

So I smashed and removed a few more panes and once I saw a suitable hole I raised myself through and came out the other side.

I was so relieved. Even on the other side of the door it took me a while to remove the skirting board, which I later found had fell before, trapping someone else. In their case, they had a kitchen door key so didn’t think anything of it.

So here I am now. Alive and almost well. I have a bad back but I’m booked in for a massage at the end of the week.

I am still without a BT phone line and that could have been a life saver. So come on BT get it installed.

All the Corona remains in the fridge, at least until I buy some lime.

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12 Responses to “I didn’t want to die on Corona and fish fingers”

  1. Hi Ray,
    Don’t know whether to giggle because we had a whole day to get ahead of you on the code front or sympathise because I was recently locked in our conservatory. Luckily I had my phone with me and called my neighbour who had our spare key and she set me free – it was surprisingly unsettling so I do sympathise – honest!

  2. ha very funny blog post 🙂 glad your free now

  3. I must admit I did laugh it was the way you told the story. What would have killed me was not being able to check my affmeter stats ( I am adicted to that)

  4. Only in Ray world could this happen. The only way this story could have been funnier was if you’d necked the Corona before you discovered you couldn’t get out!

  5. lol did you lose your deposit : )

  6. […] I’ve had one of the most energetic, productive and scariest weeks and its pained me so much that the one thing stopping me doing more, is that British Telecom can’t enable my home telephone line. Why? In fact, this same telecommunications company, can’t even answer the phone. I rang BT and after 40 minutes of being on hold I had to concede defeat, which is obviously not in my character, as I don’t give up easily. […]

  7. Felt guilty laughing at this – brilliantly written even though it must have been unnerving at the time.

    Glad to hear you got out OK!

    Had a similar experience being locked in a bedroom when the door handle mechanism stopped working. Luckily I was able to attract the attention of my son some time later and he unscrewed the handle to release me. Never shut my bedroom door now though…. Still get ‘prisoner’ jokes at my expense too!

  8. You Boro fans will do anything to keep away from the Cellnet at the minute.

    Good blogging

  9. I’d of drunk all the beer then tried breaking out. Would of been more fun and if you couldn’t get out you would eat anything whilst you were pissed….

  10. That was a great story, very comical vocabulary. I feel for you.

    I have been in a similar situation although some Corona would have been awesome. I was trapped in a laboratory that I was moving equipment from. The whole building was going to be abandoned for the summer. Luckily a few hours later my girlfriend got worried and made people look for me. Why did I loose that girl?:)

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  12. […] I didnt want to die on Corona and fish fingers […]